I went to meet a counsellor on Monday. I am more used to the role of a listener. I found it hard to start. We had so many silences it was a question of which of us would lose our nerve first. But she was good; she asked questions and slowly got me talking. I felt on top form. I didn't feel the need to unburden sadness. "I'm not depressed". Well who could be in this glorious setting. The sun was shining; it was a hot summers day. The bees were buzzing and the birds flitting around the crops. The view from her counselling room was glorious. Relaxing and Calming. Rolling country fields; from here to there, from left to right, up hill and down dale.
I finished talking and threw a grin her way. "Do you hide behind your smiles?" she asked. I acknowledged the hit. Then later she asked "and who is Penny?" and "what does Penny do to cope?" and "where has Penny gone?" and suddenly I didn't feel quite so capable. As she said stocisim and being an optimist can also be a form of denial; not facing reality. As well as being a strength it can be a weakness. I also say "at the moment" a great deal. It's as if where MyMan and I are, "at the moment", is likely to change. It isn't and I have to adjust to that. She thinks I shouldn't hold back in an effort to protect him. She thinks I should be more truthful. But how do you say "I think I would be happier apart from you"? After 36 years together. Life is so difficult for him - "at the moment" - should I do that?