Re-Asserting Self

I made a small step towards re-asserting my independence. MyMan told me not to do that - "leave it"- three times. More firm and definite each time. I thought his voice sounded commanding. I nearly did leave it. But then realised that if I left it I would feel uncomfortable. Torn, I wavered but then did it anyway. The sky didn't fall in. A small step but an important one. It was a very small matter. I was just being neighbourly. And practical. A recycling bin left in middle of the shared access road after emptying, to be replaced on the neighbour's pathway. I was walking past it - why not move it? It was wet and windy. I would have been annoyed if later it ended up tumbling around our garden.

I wondered when had I let this irritable, commanding tone of voice become so all important to me. I think it began when I realised how low his self-esteem is nowadays. I tried to bolster it. I reduced how often I would disagree. But all I have done is to allow a minor degree of bullying into our household. So it is time to re-dress the balance. I've started. Small steps. MyMan can't believe that he 'commands' but I've explained that's how I think it sounds. I'm trying to return to the old me. To re-claim my life, to do more of what I like and how I like without feeling guilty.

I also told him that I had started to dream of a 'better' life. Alone in my own place. He was shocked and upset. But not entirely surprised. We've found it painful and emotional. It's been a tiring week. But changes are happening. Maybe I wont have to leave after all.