Awfully Quiet

I know, as Roserio commented - it has been Awfully Quiet. I've found it rather difficult to find the time and energy to post regularly. I've managed to put something up once a week or so over on my more lighthearted blog . To let regular visitors know I am still alive and 'active' of sorts.

I am trying not to reflect too often on how difficult I find being with MyMan nowadays. How I've been finding it hard to cope. I'm full of aches and pains. Muscular and joint pains which I am sure are caused by tension. I am conscious of wearing my shoulders up near my ears. My fists are clenched tight like a boxer's when I wake in the night. My buttocks are so clenched it is as if they are trying to catch up with my shoulders. I walk as often and as far as I can. But it just makes my aches worse.

I'm still struggling to try and decide which is the best option for us. The best option on deciding where we should move to. I worry that if MyMan does have a form of dementia coming on then the sooner we move and are able to establish a new routine then the better it will be. The more settled he becomes in a routine here, the less likely we will be able to relocate to a completely different area.

The good news is that we have finally sold the old Rover. I was sad to see the old faithful workhorse leave. Sad to see it go but thankful we no longer have to remember to charge the battery then take it out for a short drive once a week to keep it's innards ticking over. This has left room in the garage for us to sort, clear and declutter old gardening tools which we no longer use and a myriad of other once useful items. I must get on and arrange a Garage Sale.

We are still awaiting delivery of MyMan's new adjustable bed. It should arrive in the next 2 or 3 weeks. I am about to go up to visit family and I'm convinced it will be delivered while I am not at home. I have left a written reminder that when the huge heavy 6' bed leaves MyMan must hoover and dust before the new bed is put in place.

I will be going to stay with my sister. To see my nephews and a nice niece. And to take cine film and photos of the area where I would like us to move to next...... I still wish to live closer to family. To put down roots for our old age in the area where we were born. So I am going up to Surrey to do my Cecil B DeMille act. To come home and 'sell' the area to MyMan. I know that I too will miss living in the west country but as MyMan becomes more and more demanding of my time I see less and less of the countryside. My world is shrinking down to the house, garden and the local shops. We could very well live in any town it would make no difference. But there I have family. People I love. Who love me.

Emotional breakdown . . .

I've had an emotional breakdown. A few days ago we started to discuss all our options on moving house. MyMan's chiropractor has again told him to walk only on level ground. Not to climb hills.

I am still keen to return to Surrey/Sussex area to be closer to family. MyMan cannot imagine being back in the over crowded south east. Where there are stabbings, droughts and traffic jams on an hourly basis. He knows. He reads the newspapers. He watches the TV and sees Sky News 24. He tells me that I wont feel safe there. It doesn't matter that I tell him I have felt no fear when I go on a visit.

He asked why I am so keen on living there. When I said I would like to see family once a week for a few hours at a time rather than once a year for a week he told me it was an emotional reaction. Yes it is. I then became even more emotional and spent 6 days crying at the drop of a hat.

When I wasn't crying we tried to talk about my emotional feelings in a rational way. I explained just how wearying it is having to schedule in arrangements so that I can visit family. How much of a strain it feels choosing the 'right time' to leave him for a week. How tired I am to begin with. How tiring the journey can be. How tiring it is to get around to visit with each member of the family so that none feel slighted or left out. How so many deaths of the older members still haunt me as I'd not had chance to see them when they were ill. How I'd missed out on attending their funerals.

How after a few days of being away, with time to laugh giggle and relax with my sister and friends that after a few days I have then to start thinking of the journey home and returning to 'normal life'. How much harder I find it to cope on my return. That the few days away has just emphasized how much I am missing in my day to day life. That if he died tomorrow I would sell up and relocate.

He suggested that I look at going up there more often. Several times a year as I used to when we lived in Gloucestershire. When I was 10 years younger than now. It wont solve the problem that I'll soon be another 10 years older and will find the journey even harder than now.

I fail to see how it matters to him where he lives. That apart from going out to take a small amount of exercise he never wants to go out. He doesn't want visitors. He doesn't want to socialise. He's reclusive and non communicative. I attempted a rational explanation of how lonely and alone I often felt. I even wonder whether once living near our old home town again he wouldn't want to get out and about.To look at his old haunts. To watch a game at his favourite football club.

And also there is my fear that he may get worse. And then I wouldn't be able to leave him for a week. Never mind several times a year.

Losing it ....

I fear for MyMan's mind. I fear he is losing it. He wanted his lightweight dressing gown on a hot morning a few days ago. I told him it was on the back of his bedroom door. He said it wasn't there. I told him to look again as I knew it was. When he returned and said it wasn't there I went up to point it out to him. It was on the 'wrong hook'. And he didn't recognise the gown as his own...

Another alarming incident of forgetfulness. My heart sinks further.