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I couldn't help smiling when I noticed a Google ad for 'Carer's Allowance' from Direct.gov. co. uk on my side bar.

HUH - they make you jump through demeaning hoops; all ways front and back, top n tail, and do their damnedest not to pay it.... They hope that you'll give up the whole idea by wearing you down along with the threat that if you challenge their decision, the pittance you have been granted [so far] may be withdrawn.

3 Good Things

1. I start Bridge lessons next week. A very kind friend has offered to set up a game as she will find it 'very easy to lower' her standard to help me gain experience. The thought is very kind but the comment made me laugh - I told her that I'd soon be beating the pants off her - especially if we play for money. Do you do that in Bridge? It sounds so genteel and proper! I may be too loud and not serious enough. But will be fun to find out.
2. The new furniture is much smaller and more compact than our old traditional style. But is is so comfortable. To sit and read or watch TV will be a really luxurious time. Bliss.
3. Woolacombe Bay Hotel is offering Dinner Bed & Breakfast breaks for £52 per person per night - I'm planning to run away from home for a couple of nights - to spend time being alone. Some walks along the coast. Nothing to think about but just to relax and dream for 3 days.

Waving Not Drowning

I am waving not drowning even though sometimes I have felt as if I'm drowning. MyMan has been in the depths of depression, again. No matter how hard everything gets I try to remain positive and active. He has been unbearably rude, angry, peevish, irritable, short tempered and there is nothing that will please him. Today he tells me he feels anxious but is not aware of a cause for the anxiety. He is taking a great deal of my time. One of the reasons I have found it difficult to keep up with regular blog posts.

Initially when I started blogging it was agreed between us that I could have a couple of hours a few times a week in which to be 'creative' and have fun. However, there is an element of jealousy within him that I'm able to lose myself in something like blogging or writing letters to friends. He may be silent and uncommunicative most of the day but within a few minutes of his realising that I am immersed in something he wants to chat. To talk over his feeling, his nightmares, or to find out "when dinner will be?" ( the usual time - 6.30) and then to ask "what can I eat now" as he's hungry and unable to wait. He gets uppity if I tell him that I am trying to concentrate when he returns to offer me a cup of coffee. I yearn for some privacy and time to be me. It may be that I'll have to forgo some sleep and take to being creative again in the early hours of the morning.

This morning he has gone to the surgery for a fasting blood test. For once I wasn't free to offer to take him. I would have found it difficult. I'm waiting for an online grocery order to arrive and some new furniture. He had the chance to change the appointment but refused. But this morning he is tired and anxious about going out to town alone.