Thursday, 10 April 2008

Waving Not Drowning

I am waving not drowning even though sometimes I have felt as if I'm drowning. MyMan has been in the depths of depression, again. No matter how hard everything gets I try to remain positive and active. He has been unbearably rude, angry, peevish, irritable, short tempered and there is nothing that will please him. Today he tells me he feels anxious but is not aware of a cause for the anxiety. He is taking a great deal of my time. One of the reasons I have found it difficult to keep up with regular blog posts.

Initially when I started blogging it was agreed between us that I could have a couple of hours a few times a week in which to be 'creative' and have fun. However, there is an element of jealousy within him that I'm able to lose myself in something like blogging or writing letters to friends. He may be silent and uncommunicative most of the day but within a few minutes of his realising that I am immersed in something he wants to chat. To talk over his feeling, his nightmares, or to find out "when dinner will be?" ( the usual time - 6.30) and then to ask "what can I eat now" as he's hungry and unable to wait. He gets uppity if I tell him that I am trying to concentrate when he returns to offer me a cup of coffee. I yearn for some privacy and time to be me. It may be that I'll have to forgo some sleep and take to being creative again in the early hours of the morning.

This morning he has gone to the surgery for a fasting blood test. For once I wasn't free to offer to take him. I would have found it difficult. I'm waiting for an online grocery order to arrive and some new furniture. He had the chance to change the appointment but refused. But this morning he is tired and anxious about going out to town alone.


merry weather said...

Hello Lady T, I've popped in quietly from next door - thought you'd been awol, and found you here.

I do sympathise with you, although I don't know what it's like in your house, it sounds a bit like mine some days... Difficult.

We all need our own space, that's for sure.

Take care and I'll look forward to your return on the pink pages soonxx

lady thinker said...

I know Merryw - half the problem is that not many men adapt to not 'having a role' once they cease working and with MyMan he can no longer do all the DIY chores he used to take pride in .. so it's doubly difficult..

Never mind I take my frustrations out on my blog posts!! ;-)

Nice to see you whichever door you come through..

Pig in the Kitchen said...

I love that poem, 'not waving but drowning', i often feel like that. It sounds tough for you, i hope the blog is therapeutic!

lady thinker said...

Yes thank you pig - it gives me the space to let off steam...