3 Funny BT's

1. A very large rook attempting to attack a very small fat ball in the tree with 10 other rooks all on the ground waiting and hoping that some fat crumbs will fall their way.
2. A fat squirrel trying to chase all other squirrels away from the peanuts - so busy chasing them it fails to notice that there is always one squirrel left behind to feast at leisure
3. Birds feeding mates with choice titbits , fluttering and flirting and showing off around the feeders.

Spring is in the air.

An Apology

I had a handsome apology yesterday morning. MyMan said that I was quite right in what I had suggested the day before. My suggestion on what I believed needed doing and the manner in which I thought it should be done would have saved us time and stress on Tuesday morning when 2 men came to collect our surplus household goods.

Our trouble is that I am a natural born organiser. Previously when MyMan worked away from home I was used to organising/arranging/overseeing all practical tasks. A sort of Domestic Project Manager. I find it difficult not to continue in the role. MyMan still has very low energy levels. I therefore try and conserve his physical/mental energy to cope with the tasks that I find physically impossible to complete. I do a great deal of thinking and planning. When I try to talk it through with him - 'the plan of action' - he doesn't want to be bothered with the details or the nitty gritty. He's too tired to bother. But when we come to getting on with the job he dislikes being directed on what to do. He feels too weak to cope and this along with his current low self esteem makes him even angrier.

It's not helped by the fact that the small domestic jobs he said he would sort out didn't go to plan. Getting out the recycling and rubbish after the Good Friday and Easter Monday bank holiday. He hadn't read the information sheet from EDDC correctly. He confused the recycling with the rubbish collection days. We therefore missed both. I thought it was more than my life was worth to check up on this and left him to his own devices. If I'd questioned the fact that recycling was postponed by a day it would have undermined his feelings but now that he has found out he made the mistake he feels even more incompetent. There is no way I can see of getting this right .....

At least we've had a laugh together today. I told him that this morning as I dressed I put on my watch and wedding ring. It reminded me it was the same action which made me pause and think rather than storming out and leaving him on Monday afternoon. About how ridiculous it was. In the midst of getting ready to walk out and leave I am carefully putting on my wedding ring .... Now if I wore my ring permanently I may have been long gone by now..

What a pain

MyMan did have another extraction last week. It was a difficult one. this tooth had a 'hooked' root. Since then he has suffered even more neuralgia, a swollen face and extreme migraines caused by the increased tension in his neck muscles. To say that he has been even more withdrawn and impatient would be an understatement. I've spent a week tip toeing around him. Making him as comfortable as possible. Helping him by producing easy chew foods, quietly reading in the lounge while he watches cricket, not complaining when he's impatient or aggressive.

But today we had a chore to complete. A deadline to meet for Tuesday morning when MyMan had arrange for someone to collect a pile of furniture for sale (we are de-cluttering in readiness to downsize). I tried to be as accommodating and helpful as possible. I could see that he was still in pain. But when I couldn't understand something, I asked the wrong thing in the wrong way at the wrong time and before I knew it I was accused of being difficult. Then we were in the middle of a full scale argument. A Mega Row. I have never felt so angry in all my life. I don't do anger. I surprised myself and him.

I said I was off out to get away. I was sorely tempted to pack my bags and leave. But in the act of collecting my out door things, my bag and credit card I realised that to storm out I'd find it hard, later when Ihad calmed down, to return. I very much wanted to leave and never return. But knew that at some point I would worry enough about him to return home. I didn't go anywhere. I sat and tried to figure out how best to cope with the fact that this isn't just a case of 'at the moment' but that 'this is it' . He hasn't got any better over 7 years. I need to re-adjust and accept that this is it.

I'm still keen on the idea of his/her's apartments. Where I can do all the domestic routine chores to ensure he is clean, tidy and well catered for. But so that I am able to have my own separate space too. Where I can invite friends in to chat, laugh, drink tea - or better still wine. Gossip and exchange views. Where I can relax and connect with people without the awareness that he's not happy, not feeling sociable, that he is irritated by the talk of people's holidays, envious of their enjoyment of the simple things in life. Where he is just about coping until they leave. I find it inhibits my usual laid back relaxing way of entertaining. It's far too stressful to contemplate throwing any tea or dinner party.

I have always been more socialable than he. I grew up with large family gatherings. He didn't. Our family would gather round the table after tea for card games. Simple fun noisy games if children were included, otherwise cribbage, solo, whist tournaments. We used to be each other's best friend. He didn't feel the need to include others. But he used to recognise that I was different. We used to 'give and take' in turn. Now it feels as if I'm always giving and he's always taking.

Needless to say - being a woman I eventually cried. This time I shed tears in luxury on the settee, not in the car park in the driving rain. More words, recriminations. How frustrated and angry he feels and how 'useless'. We managed to get beyond the anger and my tears. Tried to sort out how we could cope. There is no definite answer. I was so sorely tempted to accept and run with the idea that we separate when he wondered if it would 'be for the best'. He knows the effect it has on me but he doesn't feel able to change - enough.

Physically now I feel awful. Sore eyes , stuffed head, thick nose, stiff shoulders and neck. He appears revitalised and hasn't moaned once this evening about how low spirited he feels or the amount of pain hehas. Perhaps I should lose my temper more often.

It's Not All Bad News Week

It's not been all bad news this week. It started out rather gloomy. Our gardener , trusty Ted is retiring at the end of March. We have a fairly large garden. Working on it's a bit like the painting the Forth Bridge once you've been around weeded here and there, pruned, manicured and tidied then it's time to start once more at the beginning. It's on rising ground so is quite heavy work for someone with weak ankles. Ted helps out for 2 hours a week through rain and shine. He supplies the muscle. I point and request that an old conifer be removed and before I know it I have a lovely well dug, composted, clear plot of earth where I can plant up my latest acquisition, currently more hellebores.

We have known since the beginning of the year that Ted was retiring. However hard I tried I could not find anyone else willing to help out on a regular basis. Friends recently moved into an apartment and dismissed their regular gardener. I approached him but found he plans on retiring soon and is not taking on any new customers. Then last week I saw a young man working in a front garden. I asked if he would be interested. He came looked and agreed to fit us in. An ex nursery man he is young enough not to be thinking of retiring for a good few years yet. Now I know I still have muscle available I can get on with making plans for the changes I want to undertake this year.

So my 3 good things this week are:

1. I have a gardener to assist on the heavy work- until further notice. The camellias are in bloom and survived this week's ferocious winds
2. I won £100 on the Premium Bond - new plant money
3. Blue tits are nesting in a box that was put up 8 years ago and has never been used. It is sited so that we have a very good view from the house. It has already cheered MyMan to watch them fly to and fro with nesting material.

Mad March Hares and Woes

Mad March Hares - I know the feeling. I've been full of woes. Probably a wee dose of post viral depression. I've found it quite difficult to shake off the final vestiges of the cough. I still feel quite lacking in energy. What I need is a pick me up. A little retail therapy wouldn't go amiss. I went shopping in Exeter last April and promised myself a monthly trip to the city. I've not been back since. It would be nice to go there again, hopefully before April. Then at least I could say I go to the city twice a year.

MyMan is recovered from having his last 2 teeth drawn. But it really has taken a toll on his neck and back. He has neuralgia caused I assume from his over stressed neck muscles. But he thinks the neuralgia is caused by another tooth that will need to be pulled. He has made another appointment with the dentist for next week. I'm a little concerned that he will still have the pain after the next tooth is taken out. I hope the dentist will check it out carefully before making a decision.

MyMan still continues to be 'away with the fairies' at odd times. He has muddled his prescription requests. Asking for more of the pills he only got a week ago and forgetting to get pills he needs for this week - he had obviously ticked the wrong box when the prescription went in to the surgery. I have to go into town to collect it and end up running in and out of the chemist twice a week. My patience is still at a low ebb - almost non-existent. I told him he can continue to be independent on sorting his medication but I intend to take on a supervisory role. I have other more interesting things I'd like to do rather than trips in and out of the chemist twice a week.