Wednesday, 20 August 2008

Emotional breakdown . . .

I've had an emotional breakdown. A few days ago we started to discuss all our options on moving house. MyMan's chiropractor has again told him to walk only on level ground. Not to climb hills.

I am still keen to return to Surrey/Sussex area to be closer to family. MyMan cannot imagine being back in the over crowded south east. Where there are stabbings, droughts and traffic jams on an hourly basis. He knows. He reads the newspapers. He watches the TV and sees Sky News 24. He tells me that I wont feel safe there. It doesn't matter that I tell him I have felt no fear when I go on a visit.

He asked why I am so keen on living there. When I said I would like to see family once a week for a few hours at a time rather than once a year for a week he told me it was an emotional reaction. Yes it is. I then became even more emotional and spent 6 days crying at the drop of a hat.

When I wasn't crying we tried to talk about my emotional feelings in a rational way. I explained just how wearying it is having to schedule in arrangements so that I can visit family. How much of a strain it feels choosing the 'right time' to leave him for a week. How tired I am to begin with. How tiring the journey can be. How tiring it is to get around to visit with each member of the family so that none feel slighted or left out. How so many deaths of the older members still haunt me as I'd not had chance to see them when they were ill. How I'd missed out on attending their funerals.

How after a few days of being away, with time to laugh giggle and relax with my sister and friends that after a few days I have then to start thinking of the journey home and returning to 'normal life'. How much harder I find it to cope on my return. That the few days away has just emphasized how much I am missing in my day to day life. That if he died tomorrow I would sell up and relocate.

He suggested that I look at going up there more often. Several times a year as I used to when we lived in Gloucestershire. When I was 10 years younger than now. It wont solve the problem that I'll soon be another 10 years older and will find the journey even harder than now.

I fail to see how it matters to him where he lives. That apart from going out to take a small amount of exercise he never wants to go out. He doesn't want visitors. He doesn't want to socialise. He's reclusive and non communicative. I attempted a rational explanation of how lonely and alone I often felt. I even wonder whether once living near our old home town again he wouldn't want to get out and about.To look at his old haunts. To watch a game at his favourite football club.

And also there is my fear that he may get worse. And then I wouldn't be able to leave him for a week. Never mind several times a year.


rosiero said...

Personally I think YOU are the one who should dictate where you live. If he is not going out of the house much, yet you are and need to be nearer to your family, then I think YOUR needs come first and HE must adapt to YOU.

I feel for you, because my situation is very similar. I am caring for Greg and am torn in half between his needs and those of my frail mother who lives 70 miles away on her own. Like you I have to snatch time to visit my mother at two-monthly intervals and leave Greg alone (sometimes with my 16-year-old daughter). The situation is not ideal. But Greg only selfishly thinks of his needs.

I do think you need to make a stand for what you want, as otherwise you will become ill yourself. If you go under, then he will ultimately too. I know I should take my own advice too, as I feel I am going under too.

Anonymous said...

I too think you should listen to the sound of your own tapping, as I call it. In other words if you feel it is right to relocate back, then do so.
For as you say - he doesn't want to mix, or socialise etc - so one set of 4 walls can't be that different fom another set of 4 walls - once he's painted them the colour that suits him.

I can hear your sadness - it is so hard making these decisions alone - but do what is right for yourself - your man will follow. And who knows - he may even be happier, once he's moved.

ladythinker said...

Thank you both. I am in fact looking at the possibilities - finances will have some influence our decision. Update soon. Thanks for your thoughts.