What a pain

MyMan did have another extraction last week. It was a difficult one. this tooth had a 'hooked' root. Since then he has suffered even more neuralgia, a swollen face and extreme migraines caused by the increased tension in his neck muscles. To say that he has been even more withdrawn and impatient would be an understatement. I've spent a week tip toeing around him. Making him as comfortable as possible. Helping him by producing easy chew foods, quietly reading in the lounge while he watches cricket, not complaining when he's impatient or aggressive.

But today we had a chore to complete. A deadline to meet for Tuesday morning when MyMan had arrange for someone to collect a pile of furniture for sale (we are de-cluttering in readiness to downsize). I tried to be as accommodating and helpful as possible. I could see that he was still in pain. But when I couldn't understand something, I asked the wrong thing in the wrong way at the wrong time and before I knew it I was accused of being difficult. Then we were in the middle of a full scale argument. A Mega Row. I have never felt so angry in all my life. I don't do anger. I surprised myself and him.

I said I was off out to get away. I was sorely tempted to pack my bags and leave. But in the act of collecting my out door things, my bag and credit card I realised that to storm out I'd find it hard, later when Ihad calmed down, to return. I very much wanted to leave and never return. But knew that at some point I would worry enough about him to return home. I didn't go anywhere. I sat and tried to figure out how best to cope with the fact that this isn't just a case of 'at the moment' but that 'this is it' . He hasn't got any better over 7 years. I need to re-adjust and accept that this is it.

I'm still keen on the idea of his/her's apartments. Where I can do all the domestic routine chores to ensure he is clean, tidy and well catered for. But so that I am able to have my own separate space too. Where I can invite friends in to chat, laugh, drink tea - or better still wine. Gossip and exchange views. Where I can relax and connect with people without the awareness that he's not happy, not feeling sociable, that he is irritated by the talk of people's holidays, envious of their enjoyment of the simple things in life. Where he is just about coping until they leave. I find it inhibits my usual laid back relaxing way of entertaining. It's far too stressful to contemplate throwing any tea or dinner party.

I have always been more socialable than he. I grew up with large family gatherings. He didn't. Our family would gather round the table after tea for card games. Simple fun noisy games if children were included, otherwise cribbage, solo, whist tournaments. We used to be each other's best friend. He didn't feel the need to include others. But he used to recognise that I was different. We used to 'give and take' in turn. Now it feels as if I'm always giving and he's always taking.

Needless to say - being a woman I eventually cried. This time I shed tears in luxury on the settee, not in the car park in the driving rain. More words, recriminations. How frustrated and angry he feels and how 'useless'. We managed to get beyond the anger and my tears. Tried to sort out how we could cope. There is no definite answer. I was so sorely tempted to accept and run with the idea that we separate when he wondered if it would 'be for the best'. He knows the effect it has on me but he doesn't feel able to change - enough.

Physically now I feel awful. Sore eyes , stuffed head, thick nose, stiff shoulders and neck. He appears revitalised and hasn't moaned once this evening about how low spirited he feels or the amount of pain hehas. Perhaps I should lose my temper more often.