Friday, 6 July 2007

The Blues

I've had a real fit of the blues. I wasn't sure whether to write this posting here or to make light of it and write up my feelings over on "And - who Cares ...." . I've been trying to keep that blog more light hearted. Fun. Friends and laughter. But - yet - this blog I've not really used when I feel really low. I have tried to be truthful about how My Man and I are battling to come to terms with life now as it really is. So tonight I've come on to say - I've had the blues all week.
My Man, as I've said previously, is adjusting to 'being less able' (it sounds less hard than 'disabled'). He was, a few days ago, quite keen on trying a couple of days away - for a change of scene. As he is unable to travel far I started to look for a hotel within 1/2 hour travel time. The most he is able to manage. Not Exeter - we've been there - for hospital appointments. So I started to explore Somerset and Dorset. I collected several brochures from Sidmouth Tourist Information Centre. I started to read and make possible plans. Dreaming of a much needed and welcome break away - together. Where we could go for a gentle stroll, read the papers, look out over rolling fields, a babbling river and gambolling lambs. We could then chat together over dinner, as we used to -enjoying the luxury of meals magically prepared by someone else - a Chef. I could feel the gloom start to lift at the thought. I pondered on Beaminster area - from where we could explore Bridport and see the new harbour at West Bay. Or at a hotel - an old converted farmhouse north west of Yeovil. From where we could visit the air museum at Yeovilton and see Concorde. Which I thought would give him pleasure.
But then My Man started to say he didn't want to go to Bridport as "we can do that on a day trip" . Regardless of the fact that he's not felt well enough to travel 'that far' for over 4 years. He's not keen on the converted farmhouse as it has conference facilities and is probably full of business men - not to mention the helicopters from Westland - the noisy flightpath etc etc. He wants a quiet relaxing break. At a hotel that's not full of old people. He doesn't want a hotel that allows children either. And no conference centres as businessmen (now that he's no longer a clan member) are noisy, rowdy and inconsiderate. I'm not sure that we do really want a quiet relaxing break. Surely we are quiet here at home. Any quieter and we wont be living. Any quieter and we'll have even less to talk about to each other.
I wonder whether his talk of wanting to get away for a short break is just that - talk. I've given up looking now. And of dreaming. He has the brochures - if he is interested he'll look and see if he can find his perfect holiday break away. But it may be that he feels safer at home. Once we used to be able to tell each other of our hopes, dreams and fears. But now I'm left trying to guess and read the meaning behind the words - a hidden language. I also am not quite as truthful as I used to be - the truth would be too hurtful. The nearest we come nowadays to honest talk is when we end up sniping irritably at each other. We don't argue; if I bite back he soon tells me I don't understand how he feels. That is an argument stopper. I am angry and frustrated. Just as he is. He thinks I am unaware of how he feels and I think he doesn't know how I feel. That's why I have a fit of the blues.


merry weather said...

Hi Thinker - Sorry for your Blues :(

You need to get away honey. On your own. Space.
Lots of singles trips these days - possible? (Two nights away and back to hubby after that?)

Hmm. I'm sorry, I'm closing down my blog - I've left a message on your other place.

Take care, been there, it'll improve - hope so - hugs xx

The thinker said...

Thanks MerryW - but thanks to his listening to radio 4 'outlook' prog he heard Rachel North talk about Post Traumatic Stress disorder. He identified with most of the symptoms and has now agreed to listen to suggestions that will aid recovery. So I have some researching to do .... starting with RN's blog.
Will miss you. good Luck kate. xxx

Henry North London said...

Anger and irritability are the hallmarks of PTSD

Should give a little insight

People can if they have repeated episodes of PTSD become very hostile and negative towards the outside world and hide at home becoming hermits.

Its treatable with those awful antidepressants that nobody likes using as they have such withdrawal effects. Worth a try via your GP/ friendly local psychiatrist.

Poetess said...

Hello Thinker

I am so sorry that you are feeling low. I have just been reading Myslexia which is a magazine for female writers. There are so many writing breaks away and I thought that would be lovely for you. I know it is not a break away with your husband but remember how well he got on on your last trip. It did you both the world of good.

I hope this helps.


The thinker said...

Oh Henry!
Thank you for dropping in - and for your recommendation which I'll look at now.
My Man started to see a psychiatrist but his name sort of 'fell of the follow-up appointment list' [a different way of managing targets maybe?] - so rather than a 6 weekly plus the doctor's holiday - the time lapse has actually been nearer 6 months. He's been on antidepressants but .... His appointment is now set for end july - I'll find out as much as possible to see if we can become expert patients.
As you said - he has
"become very hostile and negative towards the outside world" - including me - i think I'm part of the outside world too on same days. It helps to make it easier for me to understand. Thank you for the time.

The thinker said...

Thanks poetess - will look out for Myslexia - what a name!! Trouble was i only went away for 2 weeks last time and in that short break away he persuaded the doctor that his migraines were 'so much better' he no longer needed the beta blockers. Since when the migraines escalated and we are now slowly making our way back by building up the beta blockers to get back to where we were in March. Thanks for calling by xx

me 'n mine said...

don't give up and never accept that this is how it will always be. do share your blues days with us because if you can't then they will get bluer. if you fancy dorset there is a lovely little place on hive beach near bridport to rent for that out of the way break. it is fab. let me know if you want the number. burton bradstock beach is my place of choice in dorset when i need to chase the blues away. could do with it right now but can't manage it so would be so happy to see somebody else benefitting from it! all the best and keep your chin up.xx

The thinker said...

Me'nMine - thank you - very kind thoughts. x