Thursday, 16 April 2009

It's in the Stars . .

It's in the stars or is it 'just' a co-incidence? Waiting for an appointment yesterday I read my stars for the day. Jonathan Cainer said that I put up with a lot, I take on more than I need to, I help out more than I am obliged to and that "you give but don't always get much back" . . . . He says I don't mind (?!) "You hardly stop to think whether there should be rewards for carrying so many burdens on your back, even when really they represent weights that other should be shouldering. Don't ask why life is suddenly starting to be kinder to you. It's what you deserve".

Well I hadn't noticed life suddenly being kinder to me. I have started to try and focus on the positive aspects of my world. I am trying to appreciate more the good things in life. Shoving all the worries to the back of my mind. Ignoring the negativity emanating from MyMan. Trying to let the aggression and irritability bounce off me without any adverse effects. I imagine myself in a protective bubble. When MyMan is pleasant and 'normal' I come out of my bubble but it's always there in the background . . .

I had a phone call as I was preparing lunch. Up to my wrists in oily pilchards MyMan asked me "who's that?". I told him we wont know till its answered. He took the hint. He doesn't always. It was for me. Margaret from the Mental Health team wants to meet me to find out how I'm coping. She offered me the chance to visit her where we could talk without my feeling " inhibited or disloyal". I almost wept at the words and her understanding. I rarely get the chance to speak privately about my anxiety over MyMan. Other than this blog that is. It is still hard not to feel disloyal but he is not the man I've spent so many years of my life with . . .

In a strange way I am a mixture of hopeful, expectant and nervous about the meeting. Maybe 'this is what I deserve'?

4 comments:

Robert said...

"...this is what I deserve." You deserve more than MH Margaret can offer you. But life is unfair, as I'm sure you know well. We just have to make the best of what we've got.

However, it seems a good idea to consider all your options, no matter how disloyal that makes you feel.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

There's always someone to help and take away some of the burden. I read my stars occasionally too and sometimes they seem accurate.

CJ xx

Exmoorjane said...

Hi there - thanks for your comment on mine. I enjoyed both book and film - so do catch it if you can.
I need to dig deeper into your blog - but, from reading just this one post, it sounds as if you have a tough straw..... I had a stab at being a carer (very briefly, for my mother) and can honestly say it was the toughest thing I have ever done. I am not sure how I would cope with that role with my husband at all. Right, going back now to discover more....
thanks so much for coming over to visit my shallow little world! jx

DogLover said...

Just coincidence - astrology is rubbish!!

Speaking after 25 years of caring (but free now for two years), I would urge you to see Margaret. Any help is good. She is sure to be experienced and you have nothing to lose in speaking to her.

And why do you get pilchard oil up your wrists?!

Best wishes

Doglover