Although My Man is finding everything a great trial( he keeps heaving heavy sighs, and doesn't want music on) it isn't all gloom and despondency. I'm trying to retain my natural optimism. I'm making plans. I do not want 2008 to pass by in the depressing blur that was 2007. Looking back I can see just how sad and depressed I also had become. Some of this was as a result of unresolved grief. I had endured several losses over the last 5 years. Much loved friends, family members and finally our 2 cats. Losses which coincided with the sudden down turn in MyMan's health. I therefore didn't perhaps allow these feelings of bereavement and loss to be recognised properly. I was burying all my upset and anguish. I thought it would be worse to grieve openly. I was wrong. It had to come out in some way. Eventually it did.
I kept pushing myself to just keep going. Food became a great solace. I became a comfort eater. Preparation and cooking became a chore. Apart from baking cakes which I've always found therapeutic. I also became an enthusiastic eater of my cakes. For our main meals I became a lazy cook. Careless of fat content.
Lack of conversation or company at home drove me out to meet friends to talk and laugh over coffee - and cakes. Socialising meant I didn't have time to walk as much as usual. A foot problem also restricted me. I figured that it was my mental well being that needed nurturing more than my physical. So excess weight crept on weekly. I've always liked loose clothes so I didn't always notice that I was slowly filling up the spare spaces. I still ate a good diet of fruit and veges but it was extra treats. Blood pressure very good, blood sugar levels excellent and low cholesterol meant I didn't take much notice of the extra fat. Being overweight, fat or obese meant nothing.
But then the change in MyMan at Christmas meant we started to socialise together again. I had a glimpse of how life used to be and thought we were returning to how 'things used to be'. I started to make plans. I wanted to shop and buy new clothes. At this point I became aware of how fat I had become. I resolved that this problem should be sorted - soon. I changed my diet. I now take care to skim off fat from casseroles, less potatoes, less carbs, less fat, more time, more thought, more care taken. Weight started to shift. It started to go - weekly. Slowly but surely. Life is far from perfect so I still have the odd naughty treat.
I thought that my weight wasn't stopping me from doing anything I wanted to do. But then I thought 'I've not had a massage for 4 years'. Why not? Because I don't want to bare my body to a therapist. So I have promised myself when I've lost a stone I will treat myself to a massage. I've started walking again. It's more a pain than a pleasure but I assume that will change at some point. I've also started to study Tai Chi exercises and intend to find a class. I'm planning to take a few days at a health spa in a few months and to meet up with a friend for a weekend break in Glos where I can meet up with old neighbours and work colleagues.
I now recognise and make allowance for the fact that while life is hard for MyMan there is nothing that I am able to do to relieve his pain or raise his spirits. I've been unable to do so whatever I've tried. While I've been dragged down to the edge of that black pit to join him it still hasn't been as bleak a picture as he paints it. But I need to make sure my view point doesn't change. I have to look after my physical and mental health, regardless.
I feel more positive than I have for many a year. I am making plans ...