The Treadmills of My Mind

It's now 4.20 am. there is a bright full moon lighting the garden as bright as day. I am unable to sleep. I've been tossing and turning for a couple of hours. My mind also has tossed everything around. Thinking, considering and trying to work out what is the best course of action: regrets: worries: anxieties. All have been tossed and marinaded into one thick broth.

Following the appointment with the Thyroid specialist 10 days ago, MyMan has been worse. An increase in physical aches and pains. All as a result of attending a hospital appointment.

Also he is still recovering from the 2 week break I took in May. The extra tasks that he had to do to fully care for himself along with a couple of minor DIY jobs took their toll on muscles, ligaments and tendons. Physically he is worse now than he's ever been. It's very hard to not think there is some unidentified physical illness that has yet to be diagnosed. MyMan believes it is all as a result of the accident and the low thyroid. But I am now contemplating M.E and Fibromylgia. I am wondering whether to go and see the doctor and talk it over with him. Would PTSD give him such visible physical symptoms? I'm not sure. But as he's been so weak I haven't yet had the spare time to carry out any research. As it is My Man is now having to wear supports with occasional ice packs on both wrists. He yelps with pain from just trying to get himself a cup of coffee. He also winces when I give him a hug. His chest muscles hurt. The more restricted he is physically the more difficult it becomes to prevent a deeper descent into the depression.

3 Beautiful Things

1. Coming face to face with a young chick Robin while weeding under a shrub
2. A bowl of Cornish raspberries with thick yellow Devon cream
3. A bright moon lit garden full of dark mysterious shadows.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

We went to see a thyroid specialist. Just to check that an increase in thyroxine would not help with the depression. The specialist - a Professor, thought not. He says the under-active thyroid is now sufficiently under control. He believes My Man is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He thinks that all the symptoms: muscle weakness, constant fatigue, the sudden draining of energy, the intolerance of heat, intolerance of cold, forgetfulness and lack of concentration are all due to PSTD. My Man was impressed with his manner and his authority. But disappointed that there is no magic answer which will help him recover and return more to his old self. I do wonder whether he may feel more content with the idea of PSTD rather than 'just depression'. But after the journey to and from the hospital and the hour there, he has been far too tired to discuss it yet. I'm hoping that he will feel some degree of re-assurance that he hasn't some dire thyroid illness [ such as cancer] that is incurable. Strange how one who often feels 'there is no point to life' and so there's 'no point in carrying on' is so keen to make sure there is no lurking killer, somewhere in his body. That's when I realise how irrational is his thinking.

I'm getting wiser. I'm learning how to cope. I am beginning to work out how to avoid the little niggles and petty disagreements that usually start when he becomes over stressed. We accomplished a journey today without argument. I made sure I had the Sat Nav on. It was set to show just my speed. MyMan was then able to see that I rarely went above 45 mph and was always well within the speed limit. If I go slower then impatient drivers end up overtaking on a road that has many accidents. It's strange that speed worries him as his accident was caused while he was stationary. But everything outside of home causes him stress and irritation. It may be a day or two before he's recovered enough to talk over what he was told today.

Difficult Days

Once again we are struggling to cope with change in medication. Slowly to reduce one antidepressant and then to start on the new. Withdrawal symptoms for two weeks. Increased anxiety and insomnia. Then another two weeks disruption while adjusting to the new medication. The main side effects of which appear to be stomach upset. We are told it should settle down within one or two weeks. While its been fine weather it's been easier to cope. The garden can be a great consolation. But it has been windy, chilly, wet and misty again. So the last two days have been mainly spent indoors. By the end of August we should know whether the new pills will be an improvement. My Man is not inclined to try any other medication change. He was inclined to drop all pills and 'cope' but the last three weeks have been so hard I think he's changing his mind about that.

We decided he should have a new nickname - 'Pilot Light' - as he never goes out. It was good to laugh with him again over the idiocy of life.

3Beautiful Things

1. A surprise delivery of flowers - an unexpected gift from a sister
2. A juicy sweet nectarine
3. A long letter from a long standing friend - enjoyed over a leisurely pot of tea.

Focus on 3 BT

I read this blog post today by way of following various links from one blog to another. Serendipity I suppose. But it did make me think. Sometimes we get so weighed down by upsets, worries and 'to do lists' . Our time most days is short. Maybe because we are remembering and thinking for two people instead of just for ourselves. When time is short we feel hassled and overlook the pleasant parts in our day or week. It is easy to forget. We should stop to think about them; the good things. A way of taking stock - and counting our blessings. For carer's it may not be as it would for others who may count on a holiday trip, a meal out or a party. But smaller pleasures. They count too.

Today: 1 - the sunshine, blue sky and occasional single clouds drifting over head. 2 - coffee with friends in town. 3. A huge bag of Victoria plums left on the doorstep by a good neighbour - that are now cooked and frozen down for a taste of summer in winter.