It was really good to get away for a few days. Ignoring the fact the weather was foul. I drank wine and giggled with my sister. Had a lazy few days. I looked at a few houses. Just on a drive by basis. None of them looked interesting on paper. They looked even more uninspiring from the outside. We feel hemmed in here, in our rural village, in east Devon. I'm sure we would dislike even more a busy town environment in Surrey. I did tour quite a few locations. It would be lovely to live near family. But can I give up huge country skies, fresh air and green spaces so easily? If I can be sure of visiting family on a regular basis, twice a year or more, then I would love to stay down here in Devon.
My Man just wants peace, quiet and privacy. He no longer cares much where he lives. He rarely goes out far from home. He dislikes our house as he feels it has too many sad associations following the accident. We hadn't lived here long enough prior to the accident to lay downmany happy memories. But he can't imagine the upheaval of moving. He can't be bothered with the thought of finding an alternative.
MyMan managed without me for the week while I was away. He found it stressful before I left. His anxiety levels rose as he worried about my driving 170 miles through wind and rain. His anxiety didn't lessen during the week as he then had to worry about my trip home. He ate the yogurts and the fruit. Otherwise I think he existed only on bread, cheese and soups.
He saw the psychiatrist while I was away. He has been put once again on Mirtazipine as he has not been sleeping. He has been trying to manage without it as it makes him ravenously hungry and he is fighting to lose the 3 extra stone he's gained over the last 5 years. He finally succumbed, took a pill last night and slept as if he'd been poleaxed.
As for myself, the break away did me an enormous amount of good. Although it is hard to work through the tense days prior to leaving home I know I do need to take a break in order to re-charge my batteries. I'm beginning to make adjustments that help me cope. I feel less pulled down when MyMan has a really low patch. I know now there is nothing I can do that helps to pull him out of the pit of black despair. All I can do is to be there when he starts to re-surface. I am beginning to be more selfish and think of my own needs. The short break has left me feeling so appreciative of being once more at home. I also think that MyMan has taken less time to recover from my being absent. Another good sign. Overall a good result all round. I think.
The sad thing is that my needs are now so different from MyMan's. Although we are still travelling through life together, we are now no longer side by side. But are journeying forward in different ways. He's the hibernating tortoise and I am the hare.