Thursday, 19 April 2007

It's a Hard Road

MyMan is feeling very low and very very tired. The thought of looking after himself for 2 weeks is beginning to set in. I've been here before. The last time I'd planned a break away about 3 years ago I cancelled my trip. I've only left home on three occasions over the last 5 years- all of them to attend family funerals. I'm finding it very hard to leave. As his anxiety levels rise I can feel mine increasing. I should be looking forward to this trip but at the moment it just feels like hard work and worry. It would be easier to stay at home. But I don't think it would be healthier. At the moment I can't even imagine enjoying myself when I'm away. Maybe we should think of moving back to be nearer to family and long standing friends. Local friends are good but not as close as family. Local friends have a job to remember who and what MM used to be like. We had been here such a short while before his accident and ill health. It feels too disloyal to talk about how difficult I find it coping with the change in him. But older friends would see the change and maybe understand more? I'm not sure anymore. I feel very unkind in persevering in the idea of a trip away. But most of all MM wants me to go as he feels it is very important I have a break. Once again I smile and joke on the surface but underneath I am crying and anxious.

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